Movies I've actually seen in a movie theater and paid full price for since I've been in Naples.

-Racing Stripes
-Assault on Precinct 13
-Hitch

I can't believe it either. Something has went drastically wrong.

I saw Racing Stripes with my Uncle Larry and Aunt Anita and 13 year old cousin Mitchell. That's what he wanted to see, I gave him some benefit because he was 13. But I'm pretty sure I was not digging Racing Stripes shit when I was 13. Plus he wears G-Unit sneakers so I thought he'd be more down than he turned out to be.

But it did yeild one of the most comical moments since I've been down here. Anita and Larry both have horses and groom them and all that stuff. So they know what horses are like. After the movie is over Anita goes "Yeah it was alright but that wasn't a zebra, they just painted a horse. They used different horses too, I could tell."

Well, if the fact that horses were used instead of zebras in a movie THAT HAD TALKING ANIMALS is your biggest beef, I don't know what to tell you.

I also went because my Uncle Mark said, "It's dinner and a movie, it's a great deal." This theater actually had a menu, you could order actual meals. It was a really odd experience because, depending on your point of view, it could add or detract to the whole deal.

Let's say the movie sucked (which it did. hard. Snoop gets his cool card pulled for a couple of months for doing anything related to this wreck) and you have to wait for your food. Then what if that's no good? Then you are fucked. Paid $8.50 for a shitty movie and $15 bucks for some shitty food. You feel like going back ever again? I sure as shit don't.

But what if the movie is good, you are engrossed and Flo the waitress comes back. Can't remember who ordered the Grouper, who had the chicken wrap. Then you get the bill, the sticker shock disturbs your train of thought. "12.99 for a goddamn Turkey Sandwhich, what the fuck?!? Next thing you know, Howard Hughes is out of money again and you don't know how it happend. You are pissed and it basically fucks up your viewing experience, that would suck too.

Although, what if the movie is just decent, a solid C, but you get your food and it's great. Just what you wanted and you feel all fat and happy. You are gonna have a positive memory of that movie going experience. Mediocre movies don't deserve this. You will tell your friends that it's alright. They will go and see it and word of mouth will spread. All because your Buffalo Chicken salad was awesome. Congrats Dinner and a movie. You've helped some a-hole get his next movie about a doctor who really wants to be a rapper but is in the Preisthood get made. Wait a minute...I'd see that.

You can read other reviews of Assault. Bill Simmons comes to mind. I'd have like to seen Carpenter's version first. Plus we sat pretty close to the screen and I was disoriented, I could focus on the important things. Like Drea de Matteo's rack.

Hitch was horrid all around. First off, my Uncle and I get to the theater late because he was on the phone trying to convince his girlfriend that he knocked up to not get an abortion. I'm in the car scarfing down Taco Bell, he's on the cell somewhere in the parking lot. I want to stress this, I'm waiting on him. So he comes back and tells me curtly, "C'mon what are you waiting for, we're gonna be late." Then tells me "You know you can pull ahead farther, I think you are far-sighted." This all happens in about 12 seconds. You might say he has issues with displacing his anger. He's speed walking into the Cineplex. The quiet rage is building inside but that's what I do. I take it, I always do, I take it.

I give Mark $10 bucks because he paid a little more for the Taco Bell. He fucks up buying the tickets, only gets one. I don't know how this happened. He gives me the ticket to give to the ticket stub guy. So I'm alright, I have my ticket. Mark doesn't. The ticket stub guys stops him but was ready to let him in. Basically the only thing Ticket Stub takers are not supposed to do. But my uncle fucks up and tells him he only paid for one. He goes back to get the other ticket. Has to wait in line all over again. I'm waiting for him. Then he stops to take a leak. Tells me he'll meet me in there. We are already late so the lights are off and, if you've seen the Box Office reports, the theater is packed. I find two seats. But since it's late and dark, he can't find me so I'm sitting by myself. Normally not a huge deal but it's right after Valentine's Day so everybody is paired up, everybody. I feel shady. So let's make this clear. I'm sitting in a theater by myself watching fucking Hitch.

It starts and Will Smith is too cool. Why can't we all be like Will Smith? Man, the way he talks to the ladies, he's soooo smoooth. I'm grinding my teeth.

It goes on and on. The lady sitting next to me is laughing her ass off. Out right guffaws and knee slapping. I'm thinking, "Is she watching Caddyshack?" Because I only chuckled a few times. Laughed out loud once when no one else did.

Will Smith was meeting with this dude who wanted to get set up with some chick he met in Victoria Secret's. It was going like all the other meetings between Will Smith and these in-love-from-afar characters. Except this guy was an asshole (or what you may know him as, "Every guy out there", if you believe other movies.) So the asshole goes, "Yeah, my head is all cloudy when I think of her." Will Smith nods like he's seen it before. Because he has. Then the asshole guy says "Yeah, I think I'll feel better if I just bang her." I lost it. I'm laughing out loud for about a half minute. No one else is laughing. The got all moralistic and "shocked." Or because all the guys are with their girlfriends and want to get head later.

But Will Smith can't help this guy, the guys he helps actually have to be in Love, with a capital L. Because Will Smith is actually a good guy. Not like all of the other guys out there. They are all assholes. Anyway, this meeting comes back to cause trouble in the movie.

I don't want to write anymore about it because I feel like punching myself in the sack. I'll just say, most of the laughs come as a resulf of Kevin James dancing. Wow, a fat white guy dancing with zero coordination. Hiiiilarious. I've never seen that before. I learned about this in 6th grade, I think it was called the Lowest Common Denominator.